Complicated

I feel so lost right now. Everything in my life just feels like its unraveling. I feel indecisive and somewhat alone. I have great friends and I know that they will always be there for me, but sometimes I just feel as if maybe I could do more for myself. I have been really lonely these past couple of months, but it is only when I am by myself. When I am alone I have time to think about things that are ridiculous. I think about what my life may be like in 5 years if I go back to Michael, and I think I may really like it. And then I get sad because it makes me miss him. The truth is I miss him every second that I am alone. But I do not think about him at all when I am occupied. I know I shouldn't be with him, and I don't think I want to be, except for when I am alone. I don't know what to do. I just haven't been by myself in over 2 years it's so hard to be alone, and I am afraid of it. I think that's why I keep running back to him everytime...I think I get scared of whats going to happen when we are with different people. and I keep thinking I'm going to be okay in this crazy world, when really all I want is for him to be in my world. And then I'm not a lone anymore and I don't want anything to do with him, in the "loneliness filler"...of course I want him as my friend, but maybe that is way to difficult for us right now. I just really need to figure out what I want...but in truth I know what I want...and I don't think it is him. I don't want to have to work this much at a relationship. They should be easy as breathing, not hard...especially right now...of course one day I want to be married and I just think if we are working so hard right now...how hard will I have to work later? and at what cost?