Heartbreak

Some times people just really do not know how to deal with the pain they go through. I don't really know how to go through the pain I am going through right now. The worst type of pain in my opinion, is a broken heart. Sure some people will disagree and say a broken bone, surgery or getting in a wreck is more painful. But i've broken a lot of bones, have had surgery, and been in a wreck, and nothing comes close to a broken heart. It sucks when the one person you would never think hurt you does. Well actually it sucks when you lied to yourself, and hoped and prayed that he would never hurt you AGAIN, but he did. I think that's the worst kind of heart break. Seeing so much potential in one person and just watching it go down the drain. It really is a terrible feeling, knowing that your whole heart and every bit of happiness you had was in the hands of someone else, and they just take it and crumble it...right in front of your face. I sat in my bed for 3 weeks and cried...i couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even sleep...all I could do was cry. After the 3rd week my friends came and started helping me move again, at least get a little feeling back, but I still can't really feel anything. I'm still completely numb. There are moments of happiness when my friends make me laugh, but it never really hits my heart. I don't really know if anything will hit my heart for a long time. I don't think I could go through the pain again. I'm trying to piece my heart together again one fragile piece at a time...right now I'm about about 10% of the 100%. I don't know when or if I will ever get back to the full 100, and to be honest I just don't know if I want to. Sometimes it really sucks to know that the one person who broke your heart, is the only one who can fix it. Hopefully one day...that may happen...probably not though.

Twilight 2: New Moon

Okay, so anyone who knows me...knows that I am completely in love with the Twilight Saga! Stephenie Meyer is brillant! I was watching the MTV movie awards on Sunday night, and not only did Twilight snag just about every award, but they released the first movie trailer for Twilight 2: New Moon! I am so so so so so excited about this movie! I have read all of the books, now this book was not my favorite out of the Saga, but it was the most important! I am so excited about this movie which will be released on 11.20.09. I can't freaking wait!

People do Change

So this past month has probably been one of the best months ever! I have just been so busy. But I have learned so many things about so many people in the past month its unbelieveable. You know the quote "people dont change, they just find new ways to lie to you," well I have been a witness to that quote being proved wrong. I have always been very skeptical about letting people through my walls, because I dont want to get hurt, and I let one boy in who ended up hurting me. But of course when you date someone for so long you can't just let it go...and if you can, you were never in love in the first place. So naturally after we broke up I was trying to find ways to get over him, I went out with a few guys and though I was getting over him, but in reality I was really just making it worse because I knew good and well that all I wanted was a sweeter him. I wanted him to treat me like a princess. So after about a month he proved to me that he was different and he had changed. We used to fight every single day...but now even when I do make him mad...because I know I do...he never shows it. He just treats me like I am the best thing to walk into his life. I love him more than anything. I trust him more now than ever! He is my best friend. Of course minus my best girl friends. I am just so happy that it is possible for people to change. Because if not, I would still be drowning in my misery.

Crazier

I've never gone with the wind, just let it flow, let it take me where it wants to go, until you opened the door...there's so much more, I've never seen it before. I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings...then you came along and changed everything.

You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around...you make me crazier, crazier. It feels like im falling and I'm lost in your eyes...you make me crazier, crazier, crazier.

I watched you from a distance as you made life your own. Every sky was your own kind of blue, and I wanted to know how it would feel and you made it so real. You showed me something that I couldn't see, you opened my eyes and you made me believe.

You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around...you make me crazier, crazier. It feels like im falling and I'm lost in your eyes...you make me crazier, crazier, crazier.

Baby you showed me what living is for, and I don't want to hide anymore.

Horoscope

I almost completely freaked out when I read my horoscope today in Life and Style. Naturally i bought it because Robert Pattinson was on the cover, but it had to be some kind of sign...look at what my horoscope says:

"Accept that all things come to and end and that some things are not meant to be. You may feel disappointed now, but you'll soon realize that you were saved from disaster."

That pretty much puts my life right now in a nutshell! I really did gasp as soon as I read this!! How crazy is that?!?!?

Complicated

I feel so lost right now. Everything in my life just feels like its unraveling. I feel indecisive and somewhat alone. I have great friends and I know that they will always be there for me, but sometimes I just feel as if maybe I could do more for myself. I have been really lonely these past couple of months, but it is only when I am by myself. When I am alone I have time to think about things that are ridiculous. I think about what my life may be like in 5 years if I go back to Michael, and I think I may really like it. And then I get sad because it makes me miss him. The truth is I miss him every second that I am alone. But I do not think about him at all when I am occupied. I know I shouldn't be with him, and I don't think I want to be, except for when I am alone. I don't know what to do. I just haven't been by myself in over 2 years it's so hard to be alone, and I am afraid of it. I think that's why I keep running back to him everytime...I think I get scared of whats going to happen when we are with different people. and I keep thinking I'm going to be okay in this crazy world, when really all I want is for him to be in my world. And then I'm not a lone anymore and I don't want anything to do with him, in the "loneliness filler"...of course I want him as my friend, but maybe that is way to difficult for us right now. I just really need to figure out what I want...but in truth I know what I want...and I don't think it is him. I don't want to have to work this much at a relationship. They should be easy as breathing, not hard...especially right now...of course one day I want to be married and I just think if we are working so hard right now...how hard will I have to work later? and at what cost?

Moving on

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather it makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the WRONG person...how beautiful and amazing it will feel when the RIGHT one comes along."

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional ling that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

-So I'm forgiving you for everything you put me through. I'm forgiving you for hurting me, for sending me through sleepness nights, for making me cry more than making me smile, for not trusting me when I never told you a lie, for screaming into my face when all I ever did was try to make you happy...but most of all...I'm forgiving you for breaking my heart in two...and I'm forgiving you because you never realized you did it. I'm forgiving you so I can move on. I'm forgiving you so I can forget you.

Struggle a Bit

I think that sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.
We would not be as strong as we could have been. And we could never fly away.
So I think the next time I am faced with an obstacle, and challenge, or a problem...I'm going to struggle just a little bit and then fly away.

There's More to Me than you!

"I believe in myself, that makes me stronger. Things have changed and so have I. You can clip my wings, but I'm still going to fly. I'm on my own and on my way. and I keep telling myself...There's more to me than you"