Everything has Changed

Wow, I've definitely been absent from blogging. I pulled this up after a nostalgic night last night, and realized I haven't blogged since I was freshly 21 and completely, full heartedly, madly, crazy in love. First let me start by saying, I look in the mirror every day and have no idea who that girl was. Crazy how things change. That girl should have been punched at least once every day. It's a sad moment when you realize how dumb and young you were. After we broke up (I won't go into boring detail of the relationship), I was mostly confused. I didn't know what to do, of course we ran back to each other for a couple of years, and got back together several ti

mes just to, once again, face the inevitable. Well when we finally ended things, I realized I had no idea who I was. I spent all of this time with the person I figured I'd spend the rest of my life with, we became each other. Even now at 25 I know I'll never love anyone quite like him, but that's a good thing. I never want to lose sight of who I am, and I certainly don't want to be confused by my self. I completely separated myself from him and all of his friends and interests about 2 years ago. It has been the hardest, but best thing I've ever done. Once, I did that my life fell into place, almost like I was meant to rid them of my life before I could move on. I graduated college, I have a great job (No I don't necessarily like it), I have a circle of best friends that would walk through fire for me (yes, those changed too), and I have the best relationship with my parents. I am physically active every single day whether I'm playing tennis, going to the gym, or running...I'm doing something. I've realized over these past few years that I LOVE being occupied by life. I want to experience every crazy adventure I can before I can't. I have a sense of adventure I've never had before. I started cooking a few years back, and now I love it. I love to try new recipes, but I've made a couple old ones from the family. Turning 25 has been the best thing that happened to me. No, I do not have a significant other but that's completely okay. I've realized I do not need ANYONE to complete me, I complete myself. I don't mean to sound corny or stupid when I say that, I mean it. I love everything about my life when it comes to the big picture. I've done a lot of growing up, and I realized I will never be the girl I was when I was 21. She was pathetic, she let people walk all over her, hurt her, and use her. But the worst thing about that girl, is she became something she wasn't. I am not mad or bitter anymore, I was though. Now, I'm thankful. I am so thankful I went through all of that because it has shaped me into this great person who knows exactly what she wants out of life.

Heartbreak

Some times people just really do not know how to deal with the pain they go through. I don't really know how to go through the pain I am going through right now. The worst type of pain in my opinion, is a broken heart. Sure some people will disagree and say a broken bone, surgery or getting in a wreck is more painful. But i've broken a lot of bones, have had surgery, and been in a wreck, and nothing comes close to a broken heart. It sucks when the one person you would never think hurt you does. Well actually it sucks when you lied to yourself, and hoped and prayed that he would never hurt you AGAIN, but he did. I think that's the worst kind of heart break. Seeing so much potential in one person and just watching it go down the drain. It really is a terrible feeling, knowing that your whole heart and every bit of happiness you had was in the hands of someone else, and they just take it and crumble it...right in front of your face. I sat in my bed for 3 weeks and cried...i couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even sleep...all I could do was cry. After the 3rd week my friends came and started helping me move again, at least get a little feeling back, but I still can't really feel anything. I'm still completely numb. There are moments of happiness when my friends make me laugh, but it never really hits my heart. I don't really know if anything will hit my heart for a long time. I don't think I could go through the pain again. I'm trying to piece my heart together again one fragile piece at a time...right now I'm about about 10% of the 100%. I don't know when or if I will ever get back to the full 100, and to be honest I just don't know if I want to. Sometimes it really sucks to know that the one person who broke your heart, is the only one who can fix it. Hopefully one day...that may happen...probably not though.

Twilight 2: New Moon

Okay, so anyone who knows me...knows that I am completely in love with the Twilight Saga! Stephenie Meyer is brillant! I was watching the MTV movie awards on Sunday night, and not only did Twilight snag just about every award, but they released the first movie trailer for Twilight 2: New Moon! I am so so so so so excited about this movie! I have read all of the books, now this book was not my favorite out of the Saga, but it was the most important! I am so excited about this movie which will be released on 11.20.09. I can't freaking wait!

People do Change

So this past month has probably been one of the best months ever! I have just been so busy. But I have learned so many things about so many people in the past month its unbelieveable. You know the quote "people dont change, they just find new ways to lie to you," well I have been a witness to that quote being proved wrong. I have always been very skeptical about letting people through my walls, because I dont want to get hurt, and I let one boy in who ended up hurting me. But of course when you date someone for so long you can't just let it go...and if you can, you were never in love in the first place. So naturally after we broke up I was trying to find ways to get over him, I went out with a few guys and though I was getting over him, but in reality I was really just making it worse because I knew good and well that all I wanted was a sweeter him. I wanted him to treat me like a princess. So after about a month he proved to me that he was different and he had changed. We used to fight every single day...but now even when I do make him mad...because I know I do...he never shows it. He just treats me like I am the best thing to walk into his life. I love him more than anything. I trust him more now than ever! He is my best friend. Of course minus my best girl friends. I am just so happy that it is possible for people to change. Because if not, I would still be drowning in my misery.

Crazier

I've never gone with the wind, just let it flow, let it take me where it wants to go, until you opened the door...there's so much more, I've never seen it before. I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings...then you came along and changed everything.

You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around...you make me crazier, crazier. It feels like im falling and I'm lost in your eyes...you make me crazier, crazier, crazier.

I watched you from a distance as you made life your own. Every sky was your own kind of blue, and I wanted to know how it would feel and you made it so real. You showed me something that I couldn't see, you opened my eyes and you made me believe.

You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around...you make me crazier, crazier. It feels like im falling and I'm lost in your eyes...you make me crazier, crazier, crazier.

Baby you showed me what living is for, and I don't want to hide anymore.

Horoscope

I almost completely freaked out when I read my horoscope today in Life and Style. Naturally i bought it because Robert Pattinson was on the cover, but it had to be some kind of sign...look at what my horoscope says:

"Accept that all things come to and end and that some things are not meant to be. You may feel disappointed now, but you'll soon realize that you were saved from disaster."

That pretty much puts my life right now in a nutshell! I really did gasp as soon as I read this!! How crazy is that?!?!?

Complicated

I feel so lost right now. Everything in my life just feels like its unraveling. I feel indecisive and somewhat alone. I have great friends and I know that they will always be there for me, but sometimes I just feel as if maybe I could do more for myself. I have been really lonely these past couple of months, but it is only when I am by myself. When I am alone I have time to think about things that are ridiculous. I think about what my life may be like in 5 years if I go back to Michael, and I think I may really like it. And then I get sad because it makes me miss him. The truth is I miss him every second that I am alone. But I do not think about him at all when I am occupied. I know I shouldn't be with him, and I don't think I want to be, except for when I am alone. I don't know what to do. I just haven't been by myself in over 2 years it's so hard to be alone, and I am afraid of it. I think that's why I keep running back to him everytime...I think I get scared of whats going to happen when we are with different people. and I keep thinking I'm going to be okay in this crazy world, when really all I want is for him to be in my world. And then I'm not a lone anymore and I don't want anything to do with him, in the "loneliness filler"...of course I want him as my friend, but maybe that is way to difficult for us right now. I just really need to figure out what I want...but in truth I know what I want...and I don't think it is him. I don't want to have to work this much at a relationship. They should be easy as breathing, not hard...especially right now...of course one day I want to be married and I just think if we are working so hard right now...how hard will I have to work later? and at what cost?